Is That How It Goes? An exercise in Bakura abuse
by Inari2
Summary: Reformatted without all of those wronly placed breaks!


Title: Bakura's Beach Day: An Answer to a Fic Challenge  
  
Author: Rylan  
  
Rating: PG-15, because there are running homosexual themes, which should be parentally guided, no matter how humorous I'm trying to make them come off as.  
  
Genre: Humor/Weirdness  
  
Warnings: Semi Ryou-torture, lots of language, sad attempts at humor  
  
Notes: The response to a challenge posted on the Yugioh_Yaoi ML I don't know how many months ago. Very long winded, without an ending, and OOC to boot. But you're all used to that. So Enjoy.  
  
--  
  
The wind was soft and carried the scent of coconut oil. The sand was warm and inviting, and little happy crabs were dancing over it--they, too, knew that it was a beautiful day. The sky was bright, but had just enough fluffy cloud cover to make the sun visible but bearable, and the seagulls sang as they rode the ocean breeze.  
  
Yes, things were perfect. Perfect...right?  
  
Sissy Bakura was knocked violently out of his daydreaming by a hard, tanned, decidedly heavy body.  
  
"My six hells! Get back here, grave robber, and I'll teach you a thing or two about french fries!" said a fuming Malik as he tried to look dignified, though he was covered in sand. Bakura gasped and tapped Malik's leg, which was resting on his chest.  
  
"Ex...cuse me..." he ventured.  
  
"Damn it, what do you want? Do you have any idea what you're stupid namesake just did to me?" Malik crossed his arms and huffed, glaring at nothing in particular. He pouted as he continued: "He had the nerve to call me...me...a 'French fried faggot.' He said that my bathing suit made me look gay. Gay? Me? Why, he of all people should know that I'm not gay." Malik sneered sarcastically.  
  
Jounouchi, who had been playing tag with Yuugi for god knows why, stopped dead in his tracks to watch as Malik ranted. Yuugi, being the cute, accident prone, semi-main character that he was, failed to stop, and, for he was much shorter than Jounouchi, contact between his face and Jounouchi's rear occurred in a most peculiar way. Jounouchi was fixated on Malik's words, though, and paid no mind to the tricolored boy's whimpers or the interesting electric shock that burst from one of Yuugi's lightning bolt hair.  
  
Malik pouted some more, then continued: "Why, he didn't have such a problem with my being gay last ni--"  
  
Sissy Bakura, now very scared for the sake of his reputation and suffocating under the weight of Malik's Egyptian body, decided to get up.  
  
"Oow, damnit!" Malik fumed again and got up, apparently about to have a second hissy fit. That is, until he saw Jounouchi and Yuugi staring.  
  
"What do you want? Do you have a problem with purple bathing suits as well?"  
  
The stunned pair, along with Bakura, were no longer looking at Malik. Oh, no, there was something much more interesting (though probably equally bizarre) walking near the retreating waves.  
  
That something--or rather some ones--was about to be assaulted. An unsuspecting Honda and an equally unsuspecting Ootogi were suddenly plied with many, many coconuts, courtesy of Yami Bakura. He laughed maniacally and threw his head back, his balled fists resting on his bare sides. There was a dramatic 'whoosh' and a wind--one that almost everyone present recognized--swooshed by, causing his striped white and blue swimming trunks to flutter dramatically.  
  
Seto Kaiba, typical rich, handsome, bastard pseudo-villain, got up from his chair and, walking over to Malik, said: "Do you see what I see?"  
  
Malik nodded, and the two locked determined gazes.  
  
They stormed over to Yami Bakura and glared with matching intensity at him in all his dramatic, shift-lining, whooshing glory.  
  
"Who the hell gave you permission to use our wind?" Malik barked.  
  
Kaiba went on to add: "That wind is to be used for Malik's Dramatic Cape and my Blue Eyes White Coat only. Who gave you permission?"  
  
Yami Bakura sneered at them and laughed a little. "What the hell? You should know by now that Takahashi stopped using different winds after volume 24. We all use the same wind now, incest boy."  
  
Kaiba looked confused. "Incest boy...?"  
  
Yami Bakura chuckled evilly, looked innocently at Kaiba, then at Malik.   
  
"Would I lie to you?"  
  
Malik flashed his psycho sinister sneer©. "You would and you know it!" Malik cried, lunging at Yami Bakura. The two went rolling in the sand, and no one could really tell if they were tearing each other to bits or making out.  
  
They, being preoccupied, forgot that there were other people on the beach, and rolled into the unconscious pile of Ootogi and Honda. Yami Bakura freed himself from Malik, jumped back, and armed himself with a discarded coconut.  
  
"Watch it, Malik. I hear it's contagious." he said before hurling his coconut at the Honda/Ootogi mass.  
  
At that very moment, Jounouchi fell over, his shoulders shaking and his teeth clenched. His eyes were shut tightly and he was slapping the ground with his fist. Innocent Bakura (that is, the sissy one), thinking that he was having some sort of seizure, ran over and kneeled next to Yuugi, who was yelling 'Jounouchi-kun!' over and over.  
  
Yami Yuugi, at this point very amused, watched all this from his vantage point at the top of a sand dune (where, it is prudent to add, he was trying to look regal, not realizing that punk hair does not do well for the regal bit). Yuugi started to cry and Sissy Bakura was shouting for someone to call 911.  
  
He looked to Malik and Yami Bakura, who were now both enthusiastically tossing coconuts at Honda and Ootogi. Kaiba stood behind them and shook his head. Anzu and Mai were sitting on their respective pink and black beach towels (you, dear readers, may decide whose is whose), exchanging nervous glances and blushing in turn.  
  
Oh, yes. This was a normal day in the life of the Game king.  
  
Yami Yuugi was going to tell Yuugi and Bakura that Jounouchi was fine, merely amused, when Mokuba sat down next to him, a concerned look on his...really round face. He turned to the shorter boy.  
  
"What is it, Mokuba?"  
  
"I...I..." he looked to be on the verge of tears. Come to think of it, Mokuba had been acting strange for the last few days.  
  
"Spit it out." Yami Yuugi commanded. If hasn't already been made apparent, Yami Yuugi is an anti-feminist who hates children, so Mokuba to him was a double offence.  
  
"I'm so, so sorry!" he cried, then heartily embraced Yami Yuugi. "I've been keeping a secret from you for all this time!" He sobbed, sniffling and burying his head into Yami Yuugi's shoulder.  
  
"Would you...like to tell it to me?" Yami said nervously, his brow furrowed. Mokuba nodded and pulled back. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.  
  
"I...I'm not supposed to tell you, because she said it would break your heart, but...I just can't keep it a secret anymore!" He shook his head violently, his girly black hair swishing from side to side.  
  
"Damnit, Kaiba, what is it?" Yami Yuugi demanded.  
  
"Anzu...ANZU IS A LESBIAN!"  
  
This could be heard across the whole beach. Anzu choked on nothing, Mai was so stunned that she forgot to be careful and, sitting up too quickly, was almost hit in the face with her own rack. Jounouchi's seizures seemed to get worse and worse, and Malik and Yami Bakura had collapsed onto each other and were laughing hysterically.  
  
Both Yuugi's face faulted and Bakura fell over, his pretty eyes being replaced with Kenshin-eque swirlies.  
  
Mokuba clung onto Yami Yuugi again and cried some more. "I'm sorry. I know it's harsh but just...please...don't kill yourself!"  
  
Seto, the only one on the beach that was in neither fits of hysterics nor unconscious, shook his head again and walked away. He sat down in his chair again and picked up his book, acting nonchalant, although he was secretly very excited with the new knowledge he possessed.  
  
If Anzu was a lesbian, that meant that Yuugi was free for the taking. And Kaiba, being the entrepreneur that he was, went about forming a plan in his head--a plan that would put both the Game King, his pretty other half, and their little dog, too, into his clutches.  
  
Meanwhile, said dog had recovered from his 'seizures' and was only now laughing mildly.  
  
"Speedos...Speedos..." he said between giggles. He walked over to the unconscious Honda, picked one of those happy crabs from his cake-hair (what do you know, crab-cake), and laughed in the unconscious cleaner's face. "Black speedos. That's low, man, really low."  
  
"It wasn't my idea..." said the still dizzy Ootogi.  
  
"Sure it wasn't, flamer." Yami Bakura grinned, his body still wracked with laughs, Malik in no better condition. The latter's head was on the formers shoulder, and the latter pounded the ground with a fist. "Lesbians and speedos...does it get any better?"  
  
"Who are you calling a flamer?" Ootogi said to himself sarcastically. Hell, Malik looked gayer than he did. Sort of. Almost. Ootogi sighed theatrically and spun a strand of hair on his finger.  
  
Jounouchi turned around, paused, then tapped Malik's shoulder. Malik and Yami Bakura followed his gaze to Kaiba, who was reading peacefully.  
  
"Turns out it does get better." Jounouchi said, and all three of them broke into a fresh round of hysterics. Seto Kaiba, champion macho man and all around ass-whomping Matrix-Neo male pseudo-villain, was reading a book entitled "The Guide to Gay Life: A Collection of Inspirational Narratives."  
  
This was a day of legend, and not the kind you pride telling your adopted children of.  
  
All while this was happening, everyone else was recovering from Anzu's being shoved out of the closet. Yami Yuugi stood up, leaving Mokuba still feeling guilty in the sand, and walked over to Yuugi and Bakura, who, still quite traumatized, hadn't moved an inch. Anzu had stopped trying to launch a femme-missile attack in Mokuba's direction, but Mai was still firmly 'restraining' her.  
  
Yami Yuugi helped Bakura up, and Bakura thanked him before heading off in the direction of his Yami. Yuugi slumped over, obviously quite disturbed that the object of his superficial affections was a lesbian. He turned, his inhumanly large violet eyes brimming with tears and said, dejectedly: "No one loves me."  
  
Yami Yuugi, truly disturbed for the first time all day, embraced his bipolar, schizophrenic little light half from behind and nuzzled his neck.  
  
"Shh. That's not true." In all honesty, it isn't.  
  
Yuugi turned around, his eyes quivering, and said to his dark half: "Do...do you love me?" Yami Yuugi smiled and tightened his grip on Yuugi.  
  
"You my boo," he said. "Fo rizzle, yo."  
  
Yuugi, a little weirded out by Yami's choice of words, but ultimately joyous, turned around in Yami's lap and hugged him with intense vigor.  
  
This was very sweet, and Mokuba, who had been watching from the side, decided to leave before his teeth rotted, or before they started making out. He found himself wandering over to Seto.  
  
Seto. Man, he could count on Seto not to smother him with happy sugary moments. That's what was so nice about his brother--the cold fishy attitude was just so easy to get along with.  
  
Sort of.  
  
And even if it didn't, it did contribute a lot to Seto's sex appeal. But Mokuba would never admit that. Nope.  
  
"What're you doing, big brother?" he asked, smiling brilliantly. Seto patted him on the head and smoothed the unkempt yet silky bangs out of those blue eyes that so reminded him of his own. "Nothing. Just--" but he was cut off.  
  
"SETO IS GAY!" Jounouchi yelled.  
  
"Seto is gay!" Malik and Yami Bakura chorused in unison, their arms around each other's waist to stabilize themselves as they walked (or tried to), still laughing, behind Jounouchi.  
  
"Look who's talking." Kaiba said, a little ticked off that his ultimate hottness was being contested, as he looked to Malik and Yami Bakura.  
  
"Seto...SETO IS GAY!" Jounouchi yelled again, still confused and stunned (albeit very, very amused, just like the rest of us). Kaiba stood up, walked over to Jounouchi, and sneered down at him (as he is much taller, and thus more masculine).  
  
"Yes, *make inu*, I'm gay. Have an issue? Take a number." At this, Mokuba held up a roll of numbers--you know, the sort that you see in quaint little bakeries. Kaiba smiled in a most Kaiba-esque fashion and grabbed the back of Jounouchi's head. He crushed his lips against Jounouchi's, harshly pushing his tongue into the blonde boy's mouth, and stroked the boy's tanning sides.  
  
What is most remarkable about all this is that Jounouchi liked it. Yami Bakura and Malik cheered and raised imaginary glasses in a mock toast. Sissy Bakura erped--his Yami was in Happy Malik Mode©, which is never a good thing. For anyone. He would have scooted away--as the scene was disturbing to a great degree--but his Yami saw him and motioned for him to come over. Sissy Bakura, for fear of what his other might do if disturbed from his Malik-induced daze, obeyed. Gods, he didn't think he had the energy to entertain the two of them...not after they all--well, never mind.  
  
Malik dragged a finger down Sissy Bakura's cheek and purred in his ear.   
  
"You're looking a little flushed, baby, why don't you let me cool you down..."  
  
(For those of you who are slow, Malik has no intention whatsoever of cooling Ryou down)  
  
"Never touch my bitch without permission, blondie," Yami Bakura snapped, nuzzling Ryou's neck.  
  
Well, isn't that funny. Ryou laughed a little crazily. Now he was someone's bitch?  
  
"Oh no you didn't. Oh no you *didn't*," Sissy Bakura said, waving his finger in a most Harlem-esque fashion. He got off of his Yami's lap, spun around, his left hand raised so far across his body that his thumb touched his ear, and unleashed his momentary fury on his hapless Yami. He stood, walked a few paces, then collapsed into a shaking pile of Sissy Bakura again.  
  
"Well, damn. Didn't think he had it in him. He really is a man after my own heart." Malik smiled, reminiscing about his days underground, and all of the times that he slapped Rishid just the way that Ryou did Bakura.  
  
Oh, those days were good.  
  
"Are you--" Malik asked, puzzled at the tears welling up in Bakura's eyes.  
  
"No. Don't talk to me. I need to be alone." And, with that, Yami Bakura was gone--gone, towards the conveniently placed beach house (which, of course, belonged to Kaiba, the token rich bastard), no doubt, to have a Malik-style hissy fit. Malik, too, left for Kaiba's beach house, almost feeling sorry for his white-haired demon.  
  
On the other hand, perhaps in this shod state he could coax the former tomb raider into giving him some.  
  
Then again, maybe not.  
  
At lon last, Malik and Yami Bakura were gone. Ryou glanced around. Anzu and Mai were making out--so were Yami and Yuugi. Mokuba was taping everything with a hello kitty video camera, and Kaiba was choking the living stuffing out of Jounouchi. Well, at least Sissy Bakura could have a bit of time to himself.  
  
So peaceful. Waves, wind...and...  
  
"Let go!"  
  
"Say it."  
  
"Let GO!"  
  
"Not until you say it."  
  
Bakura sighed. Well, at least those two weren't being *too* hormonal. He watched the interesting exchange--choked 'let-me-go-damnit's and cool, calculated 'say-it-you-make- inu's were tossed around for a few minutes, until Jounouchi made one final attempt on Kaiba's life. Kaiba's nose started to bleed. Rapidly.  
  
That, of course, didn't do much, for if it had succeeded in doing anything other than making Kaiba look tough for having a nosebleed (which was in fact caused by the interesting position he and Jounouchi were in) and not caring, then it would break the rule of God that Kaiba is never, under any circumstance, supposed to look less than cool. The weight of the Paradox of Uncool Kaiba could quite effectively collapse the universe itself..  
  
Kaiba ended up straddling Jounouchi's hips, the both of them laying in the sand and panting heavily. He had his thumb pressed against Jounouchi's trachea, and the poor blonde boy looked as though he was about to cry.  
  
"Say it."  
  
"Fine!" spat the annoyed blonde. "Kaiba...Kaiba is the god of all that is sexy."  
  
"And...?"  
  
"And I want him."  
  
Kaiba looked expectantly at Jounouchi, his eyes sharpening.  
  
"Really bad?" Jounouchi added pitifully. Kaiba looked satisfied, removed his thumb, and sneered predatorily at Jounouchi (just for good measure), before getting up.  
  
Well, *that* was pathetic. Ryou stood up--the hormones were too much for his poor, exhausted self to deal with. He was going to go and apologize to his Yami--that was what he always did, wasn't it?--when he heard a sound.  
  
He turned around, and was greeted with the sight of Jounouchi, kneeling in the sand, grabbing handfuls of the sand and squeezing it--like that would do much, Ryou thought. He was shaking. Perhaps he was having another seizure. A few teardrops slid off of his nose and hit the sand noiselessly.  
  
Oh. He was crying.  
  
"Damn you, Kaiba. DAMN YOU!" the poor boy screamed at the sky. He hung his head once again, muttering unintelligibly to himself. Ryou could make out little but the following, which Jounouchi seemed to be repeating every few seconds: 'I meant every word of it.'  
  
Ryou decided to try and escape from the madness that was the beach in favor of the almost inviting beach house. (Any lack of invitingness was caused, surely, by the mere presence of perhaps the two least sane cast members aside from Sissy Yuugi himself.)  
  
"A little to the right. Lower, lower," came a voice from nearby.  
  
"I can't hold you for much longer, Isis-san. Have you gotten it yet?" The large Egyptian man made a mental note to stop buying Krispy Kremes and leaving them at Isis's apartment.  
  
"Hush up and let me finish."  
  
Ryou peered around the side of the house just in time to catch Isis thwacking Rishid in a most Malik-esque manner. Ryou stifled. Here was Isis, someone he respected, in a black string bikini, holding Mokuba's Hello Kitty video camera, sitting on the shoulders of a straining Egyptian. Who was wearing...paisley green swimming trunks.  
  
"Miss Isis..."  
  
"Hush!"  
  
Crash, went the pair of Egyptians. Ryou decided not to get involved. He walked into the house and sat down on a piece of antique leather furniture. He laid his head back, wondering vaguely if he cared if Kaiba minded his presence. He was just drifting off into a nice, peaceful sleep when he heard a crash.  
  
"Don't you throw a pot at me, tomb raider!"  
  
For a brief moment, the image of his Yami in Laura Croft gear passed through Sissy Bakura's mind.  
  
And with that image in mind, we bring this installment of Bakura's Beach Day to an abrupt close. Will this long-winded and increasingly unnecessary story go on? One would hope...certainly not. 


End file.
